Caught!
by EvilGoddess02
Summary: Steph has a tricky FTA, and calls in the MM for backup. Chaos and colateral damage insue. A babe story.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: not mine, no money, no glory, no fame

Disclaimer: not mine, no money, no glory, no fame.

Caught! Prologue, A day in the life…

By Annie

This has been a pretty good day. Actually, it's been a pretty good week. No explosions, no garbage, no shootings, and no dead bodies. I think I'm going for a record here.

Hi, my name is Stephanie Plum, and I'm a bounty hunter. Or, at least, I try to be a bounty hunter. Most days I bumble my way through it. But I must be getting better at it; my capture rate is 100. Anyways…..

Like I said, great day, great week. I was feeling on top of the world, nothing could go wrong now. Huh, famous last words right?

Oh yeah. I brought in two, count them, two middle range skips today. And didn't have to call in Batman for backup either. Go me!

So, now I'm on my way to the office to turn in my body receipts and get my money. Like I said, on top of the world. That is until I walk through the door, and see the un-holy grin that is spread across my cousin Vinnie's face. Uh-oh.

"Just the person I wanted to see." I know this can't be good. The only reason Vinnie wants to see anyone is if they have a connection to the barnyard, or a way to make him money. I know the first reason is out, so it must be the second. Wonder what he's got up his sleeve this time? Only one way to find out.

"Hello Vinnie, girls. What's up?" That's it, play it cool. Don't show him any reaction. That'll take the wind right out of his sails.

"Hey Steph, got a new file for you. It came in this morning. I was going to give it to some one else, but Vinnie insisted that you have it. I tried Steph, sorry." Well that sounded ominous. And the look on Connie's face was even more so.

"What's the charge?" Hello spidey sense, long time no tingle. Wait, was that? Yes it was, Vinnie was giggling! I mean, giggling. Like a school girl with her first crush giggling. Damn, I think I've entered the twilight zone.

"Hehe… sexual assault of a police officer… Haha… resisting arrest… Hoho… vehicular theft… humhum… assault with a deadly weapon… snicker snicker." Ummmm, ok, I don't think I've ever seen Vinnie this amused. In respect of keeping with the plan, no reaction, I put on my version of the blank face and silently hold out my hand for the file.

I swear time slowed to a crawl and ominous (there's that word again, I'm sensing a theme here) music filled the back ground. Connie reaches forward little by little, and timidly places the file in my open palm. Just as slowly I reach my other hand up and inch by inch open the cover. I start reading. Blah blah blah… charges… blah… Officer Picky arresting officer… no surprise there. Oh, what's this? A name. Holy ham sandwiches Batman!!

Black dots start dancing across my vision. My head is suddenly light and fuzzy. As my vision tunnels out I am dimly aware of Vinnie falling to the floor and literally rolling in hysterics. Huh, there goes my plan I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

Chap 1

Caught! Chapter 1: Why Me?

By Annie

This had to be a dream, or some kind of sick cruel joke. Who would do this to me? Why me? Gah, channeling my mother again, she'd be so proud. Next thing you know I'll be pulling out the big guns. Yup you guessed it, the iron and Jim Beam.

Taking stock of my surroundings, I notice Connie behind her desk, filing her nails. She's trying to act like everything was normal, but I detected a slight twitch in her hand when my eyes landed on her.

Vinnie is still rolling around on the floor. Hmmm wonder if I could get Ranger to send him somewhere. Maybe Mongolia. Do they have ducks in Mongolia?

Something still seems off with this picture though. Oh! There it is, sitting on the couch in lemon yellow spandex. Lula. She is being waaayyy too quiet. That's so not normal. Hmm, shifty eyes. Fidgeting. Sweating. No food in sight. Yup, definite increase in tingle here.

"Why, hello Lula, didn't see you over there, you were being so quiet. What's up?" Kill them with kindness. Catch more bees with honey. And all that jazz.

"Umm…" She clears her throat. Must be a frog. "Nothing's up Steph. How's your day been? I was just heading out myself. Need some food ya know. Us big girls need our nourishment and all. So I guess I'll see ya around. Have fun!" She makes tracks for the door. Oh, I know she did not just try to bail on me!

"Stop!" Lula freezes mid step. "Turn around." I see her gulp. She turns and her eyes are as big as saucers. Yup definitely something going on here. "Sit." Wow, I've gone from channeling Mom to channeling Ranger. This is much more fun. When she's seated back on the couch I make my way over and stand in front of her.

"Explain." I cross my arms over my chest and raise one eyebrow at her. Or try to. Hey, I'm getting better at it. At least it's gone up a fraction this time. Practice is paying off.

Lula gulps again. And fidgets some more. I'm about to ask her if she needs a glass of ice water because she is sweating so much when she finally speaks.

"It's not my fault!" Un huh. Hey, wait a minute! That's my line! I drop my arms and reach for my bag. When I pull out my stun gun Lula starts hyperventilating. "OK, ok, I'll talk. No need to get all physical and shit. Jeez."

I cross my arms again and start tapping my foot. The message is clear: I'm waiting. Man, I'm getting good at this Ranger thing. Probably I've been spending too much time at RangeMan lately. Lula starts blabbing.

"She made me ok?! She called me and I was gonna say no but she blackmailed me. And then I was gonna call you and she held the donuts hostage! What kind of person holds the donuts hostage?! That's just cruel and unusual. You just don't do that. It's so wrong. So you see I had no choice. I had to save the donuts. They were being threatened. So, it's really not my fault!" Okaaayyyy.

"What the hell are you talking about, Lula?" Lula clams up. Her mouth snaps shut and she doesn't move a muscle. This is just surreal. I hear Connie clear her throat in the background. When I turn to look at her she just silently points to the file I'm still holding in my hand. Oh yeah that. I was hoping that was just a dream, a hoax, a something… guess not.

Once again ominous music plays and time slows to a crawl as I lift up the top to the file. I read down the page again. Yup info's all the same. Wait. There's something else; something I've missed. WHAT?!

"You put up the money to bond my grandmother out of jail?!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chap 2

Caught! Chapter 2: Lula explains

By Annie

"Lula! You got some 'splainin to do!!" I'm in full rhino mode now. Hands on hips, feet braced shoulder width apart, head swiveling back and forth. Oh yeah I got my rhino on.

"Oh no, you skinny ass white girl, you are NOT pulling that on me." Lula stands up and takes her own rhino pose.

"What the hell were you thinking you drippy donkey dick?!"

Lula's shoulders straightened at this. "I'll tell you what I was thinking, you arse-licking stumpy, I was thinking of the donuts!"

"Now listen here you raving Poop-stabber, this is my grandmother we are talking about her. She's more important than donuts!" Yeah, beat that one!

"Your granny did the crime, you sock devouring Crack-head! I was helping her!! Don't you get that? You are just mad because I didn't tell you about it!" Well ok, so she's got me there.

"Yup, you're right you bovine toe sucker, you should have told me!"

Lula paused. A look passed over her face, an indescribable look. Yes! Took the wind right out of her sails.

"What's a bovine?" Ok so that wasn't what I was expecting her to say.

"A cow." Thanks Connie, I wasn't sure what it was either. Wait a cow?

"Cow's have toes?" Complete silence. Wait, there it is. The giggle, snort. Oh, guess Vinnie's back with us.

"That's besides the point. How could I have not known Grandma was arrested? Never mind the fact that all of you knew, but how in the world did the Burg grapevine not pick up on this one?"

"I don't know, but I bet now that you are involved they'll find out right quick." Thanks for the vote of confidence there Lula. Real pal you are.

Ok, so I guess she's taken the wind right out of MY sails now. I look down at the cursed file, that I can't seem to get rid of. This calls for a plan. And backup. Serious backup. No, better yet, reinforcements. Lots of reinforcements. Time to call in the big cheese. Yeah that should work.

I grab my bag and pull out my cell phone as I head out the door. Just before I push the send button I turn back to a relieved looking Lula. Whoops, let your guard down just a little too soon there sparky.

"And by the way, this is far from over." With that I head out into the sunset. I have a favor to call in.


	4. Chapter 4

Chap 2, part 2

Caught! Chapter 3: Tank is booby trapped

By Annie

The phone rang two times before he answered.

"Yo." Surprise, surprise. Typical.

"Hey there big guy! Whatcha doin'?" Not that I expect him to answer, but ya know, manners and all that.

"Working. Whatcha need?" Huh, well la-te-da! So it's a one word answer, but it's still an answer.

"Now, don't be like that Tank. How do you know I need something? I could just be calling to hear the dulcet sound of your voice." Yeah right, like he'd buy that one.

"Bombshell." Damn. Ok, Steph, you can do this. He has no choice he owes you.

"Ok, ok you got me. I need help. Big time help. We're talking major here! This could have the potential to go FUBAR. I need a plan. I need reinforcements. I need muscle. Maybe some chains and shackles. And a cage. Yeah, that's good, a cage! That should hold her. Do you have a cage? Ohhh no, what I really need is a drink! Something to keep me calm. I need some booze here. I'm about to freak Tank! FREAK!" Whoosh. Oops, yeah that's the way to get his help. Way to go Steph.

"Umm Bombshell, are you done now?" Am I done? What the hell?

"I'm having a crisis here, Tank! And you ask if I'm done? No, I'm not done! You don't understand how serious this is. This is bad, Tank, bad. B-A-D. Bad." Forget the booze, I need donuts. No not donuts, birthday cake. Yeah, birthday cake. Yummy. Drool check.

"I get the bad part Steph, but you still haven't told me what you need help with exactly." Oh, did I leave that part out?

"Umm well you see… it's like this… I got a new file today… a really dangerous FTA. Yeah, really dangerous, really wiley this one. I'm gonna need all the help I can get bringing this one in, ya know." There we go, we'll play on the overprotective bodyguard angle. That should work.

"What's the skips name, Steph?" Uh-oh.

"What's in a name, Tank? Haha, I mean is a name really that important? It's just the level of danger, right? And trust me it doesn't get much more dangerous than this one." Yep, that's about right.

"Name, Steph." Well, butterfingers.

"OK, ok, fine. It's Grandma Mazur." Silence. Dead silence. And some more silence.

"Ummm, Tank? Are you still there?" Silence.

"Well, jeez Steph. I'd like to help you, but ya know, with Ranger being in the wind and all I just don't have the time. I'm sorry Bomber." Oh no he didn't. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

"You might want to rethink that big guy. I seem to remember a certain date. May 25th to be exact. And a certain man forgetting the importance of said date. And a certain friend helping said man remember the importance of said date." Damn, I think I confused myself there.

"Ah shit. You owe me, Tank. You forgot Lula's birthday, and I helped you remember. I even helped you get her the perfect gift, and THEN I covered your surveillance shift so you could take her out on the perfect date. And THEN I kept my mouth shut about it. Do you know how much trouble you would have been in if I had told Lula? Huh Tank? Do you? That's what I thought. Now I need help bringing Grandma in. And you are going to help or I'm going to spill the beans. Got it big guy?"

"Damn, that's dirty pool, Steph." Awww, poor baby.

"Desperate times, and all that. So, do we have a deal?"

"More like blackmail, but yeah I'll help. Meet me in the conference room at RangeMan and we'll come up with a plan." WOOHOOO!

"You got it big guy! I'm on my way!"

Please review, it feeds the muse!!


	5. Chapter 5

Chap 3

Caught! Chapter 4: Drill Sergeant Steph makes Plans

By Annie

I pulled into the garage at RangeMan and made my way to the conference room. I've been thinking. I know that's dangerous. Haha. Anyways, I've been trying to come up with a viable plan. The problem is that each idea I come up with is wilder than the next, and not a one of them will actually work. This isn't good.

As I walk up to the conference room I notice Tank standing at attention outside the door. I give him a little finger wave and with out saying a word he opens the door and gestures me inside.

Oh wow. They are all in there. Every Merry Man I've ever met and then some. All standing in line at attention, waiting for their marching orders. And all decked out in full body armor with enough weapons to secure a third world country. I don't know whether to faint or have a heart attack. Hubba hubba.

"Isn't this a bit over kill?" I stage whisper to Tank. He just gives me a raised eyebrow in response. I guess he's right, it is my Grandma after all.

I look up at Tank and the guys expectantly, but Tank just takes his place at the head of the line, and they all give me blank stares. Huh, I was hoping Tank would have a BRILLIANT IDEA. Guess not. Some help he is.

Then I take in the line of waiting soldiers again. Ok, I guess he is a big help. Surely with all of this back up this will be a piece of cake. Ok, down to business.

I stare at the guys for a few minutes, waiting for some inspiration. They stare back. Ok, this isn't working. Maybe I need some inspiration food. Where's Ben and Jerry when you need them?

Focus, Steph, focus. I clasp my hands behind my back and pace back and forth in front of the line of eye candy. I mean fodder. I mean Merry Men. Yeah, Merry Men. I keep my head down, because I know if I look at the men again, I'll get distracted. Think, think, think.

Think… ok this isn't working. Maybe… that's it! I need my thinking position. Looking around the room, I don't see any beds. Guess the floor will have to do. So I flop down on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. Think, think, think.

That's it!! Light bulb!! I stand back up and assume the position. Feet shoulder width apart, hands behind back, chin up. You can do this, Steph. The eye… err… Merry Men were still in line with their blank faces, waiting for instructions.

"Gentlemen, today we go to war." That's a good start. You can do this, Steph. "Our target is very cunning, very wiley, and extremely horny." The men shift a little at this. Snort. "I hope you all have your cups on." Some more shifting.

"Plan A: I will enter the target's domain and offer her my chauffeur services to try to lure her out the door. Once I have the target safely ensconced in my vehicle I will then proceed to take her to a safe, out of the way location, where you will all be waiting. Once we arrive at our destination, you will then apprehend the target and transport her to a reinforced vehicle. Then we will form a caravan and transport her to the pokey. Any questions?" Hey it sounded good to me.

"Yes Ma'am!" Junior, or was that Zip? raised his hand. "Where is this safe and out of the way location at Ma'am?"

Oh, hadn't gotten that far yet. Hmmm, need to think some more. Tank stepped forward.

"How about Vinnie's office. We could use the back parking lot." Works for me.

"Ok. Plan B: Distraction. If for some reason Plan A should fail, then all of you will enter the home of target and remove your shirts. Once she is a slobbering, comatose puddle on the floor, then we will slap the cuffs on and haul her to the pokey. Of course you will have to keep your shirts off for the duration, ya know, just so she doesn't revive when all that expanse of hot, sweaty man flesh disappears. Of course." This got a few wolf grins. Personally I was all for Plan B. If they ever need to take me in all they'll have to do is remember this plan.

"Any questions? No? Good." Hmm, now we need to motivate the troops. Ok, this shouldn't be too hard. "This day will go down in history, Men. We will be forever remembered if we can successfully apprehend this target. You are all good men, and I know you will do me proud. But remember, if you harm one hair on the target's head I will be all over you like white on rice." I paused to let the importance of my words sink in. When I got nods of affirmation from everybody I continued. "Well, let's get this show on the road! Fall out!" Oh boy. Here goes nothing!


	6. Chapter 6

Chap 4

Caught! Chapter 5: Plan A abort!

By Annie

Ok, Steph. You can do this. You've taken down plenty of skips before. This is just one more skip. See, no problem. Yeah, except that this is Grandma. My Grandma. Mazur. Yikes!

Ok, this isn't helping. Where's Ranger with his "Go get 'em, Tiger" when you need him? Oh yeah, in the wind. Lotta help that is. Where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember. Pep talk.

You can do this Steph. No big deal. Just go in and offer her a ride to the afternoon viewing. That's it. See nothing to it. Damn, still not working. I turn to Tank with big puppy dog eyes. Guess the ESP is working today because he knows exactly what I need to hear.

"Go get 'em, Tiger." Yeah, now I'm ready. Let's get this show on the road.

The guys all load up and head out to Vinnie's to get into place. Personally, I think they have the easy job. Oh boy, this is going to be fun.

I swear time speeds up as I drive over to my parents house in the Burg. I was just hoping that Grandma really did forget her court date, and wasn't expecting me. That could be really bad. Really, really bad.

When I pull up in front of the house my Grandma is standing at the door waiting for me. Huh, well that's normal. Ya know, the Burg radar and all. But usually Mom is standing there with her. Today Mom was MIA. That's not normal. OooO, the tingle's back.

I get out of the car, moving as slowly as possible. What? I was trying to delay the inevitable. The three D's, when denial won't work, try distraction. As a last resort, use delay.

I didn't even make it to the porch steps before Grandma attacks. "You'll never take me alive you dog humping roly-poly!" Ahhh shit. Busted. Hey, what's that in her hand? Is that? Yes it is. Silly string. Damn, she's playing hard ball. Time to use my splendiferous negotiating tactics.

"Now Grandma, you don't want to do anything drastic here. I just came over to visit before I headed to Stiva's. Thought maybe you might want to go with me. Probably you should put down the can now. Just a friendly visit is all." Uh-oh. This isn't good.

"Come one step closer and the cake gets it!" Shit, Lula's right, Grandma does play dirty. Threatening a Pineapple Upside down cake with silly string. That is just cruel. **I am so not going to take this lying down!**

"GRANDMA!! What did that cake ever do to you? I'm telling you right now, you don't want to do that." I'm still inching towards the steps, and she's noticed this. I'm almost there…

"Fine! I'll get you instead." And she aims at me and starts spraying. AHHHHHHH!! I turn tail and haul ass out of there. What did you expect? I've managed to stay clean for a week straight. I'm not taking any chances. I've got a record going on here!

I jump in the car and burn rubber. Picking up my cell, I call Tank on my way to Vinnie's.

"Plan A aborted. We'll have to go with Plan B." Hehe.


	7. Chapter 7

Chap 5

Caught! Chapter 6: Batman's home

By Annie

I looked around the conference room, taking in all the destruction. How could one little old woman cause all of this? It's so surreal.

Suddenly the hair on the back of my neck stands up and a shiver races down my spin. Uh-oh, Batman is in the building. A hand rests against the back of my neck. Ok, Batman is in the room.

"Babe." I just freeze. I can't speak and I refuse to look up at him. His hand tightens a little. "Babe, what happened to my men?" Damn, ok well there's no getting out of this. Oh, wait, I forgot the three D's. Number one, Denial.

"What do you mean, Ranger?" Yikes, I hope my voice doesn't sound as squeaky to him as it does to me. Ranger tilts my head up to face him. I keep my eyes on the floor. Nope not looking, you can't make me.

"Babe." Guess Denial isn't going to work. On to number two. Distraction. Where's a fuck me dress when you need it?

"You are home early. I missed you!" Huh, silence. I can do this. I'll just wait him out. I've even been practicing. Silence. Well ok, mostly silence, if you don't count the groans and whimpers coming from the fallen spread around the room. Come on Steph, stay strong. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Shit, I can't. Number three, Delay.

"So, well, ummm, I think, it's, well, kinda, a loooooong story. Wouldn't you like to get comfortable first? I mean, you've just had a really long trip, I'm sure you're tired. And hungry. And probably want a shower, too." See works like a charm.

"Babe, usually when you borrow my men you break one or two. This time you've broken ALL of them. Comfort can wait. Explain." Well there went the last of the D's right out the window. Sigh, guess it's inevitable. I finally look up into his face. Well, he doesn't LOOK mad. I touch his shoulder, nope, doesn't FEEL mad. I sniff, nope, doesn't SMELL mad. Maybe I will survive this after all.

"This is soooo not my fault!" Raised eyebrow. I wish I could do that.

"It never is, Babe. You're still stalling." Oh, I had hoped he wouldn't notice that.

"OK, well see, it's like this. I got a new FTA today. A really, really sneaky FTA. And ya know how I promised you I'd call for backup if I ever got a file I couldn't handle. See, you should be proud of me. I did, I called Tank, cause I just knew that I wouldn't be able to bring in this one on my own. See, proud." I gave him a big cheesy grin, but I think it must have been a little off because he didn't grin back.

"Ok, well, anyways, Tank decided that this was major bad. And I guess he thought that we would need lots of backup, cause when I got here to meet him all of the Merry Men were waiting. And I mean, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? Huh? They offered help so I took it. And I even had PLANS. Plural. As in I had a backup plan. See, I did good, huh?" Not even a twitch. Man, he's good.

"Well, ummm, Plan A didn't go so great ya know, so we decided to go with Plan B. And well, I think the term Bobby used was FUBAR. Yeah, FUBAR."

"Babe, that still doesn't tell me why all of my men are out of commission, and half naked to boot." Oh, I forgot to mention that part didn't I. Oops.

"Well you see, that was the Plan." Boy his shoes sure are shiny. I like shiny.

"Babe." Oh alright. Get a new vocabulary. Sheesh.

"Well you see, the thing is, the skip, ummm, did I mention the skip was really crafty and wiley?" I think I may be starting to push my luck here.

"Who Babe?"

"Grandma Mazur." Ok, so I tried for a strong, confidence filled voice, but it came out more like a whisper mumble something. But from the way Ranger tensed beside me I think he heard me anyways.

"You are telling me that your Granny completely demolished my whole force in one try?" Uhhhh, when you put it that way, it sounds like quite the achievement. Go Grandma!


	8. Chapter 8

Chap 6

Caught! Chapter 7: Eye… er… Merry Men Roll Call

By Annie

"Babe." There's that word again. Luckily, my ESP is improving and I could discern that this particular Babe meant that I needed to keep talking. I'm still afraid to look at Ranger, but I wonder if he's mad now. Oh well, on with the story.

"Well, like I said, Plan A was a wash. I was going to try to lure her out and then take her to the Merry Men, where they could restrain her and transport her to the station. But she was waiting for me. And she threatened the cake. I had to save the cake, Ranger. The cake didn't do anything wrong." Huh, if I was looking at Ranger's face right then, which I so wasn't, I mighta swore he just rolled his eyes. Nah, not possible.

"And so you went with Plan B. Which has something to do with my men being shirtless." Well yeah.

"Of course. Distraction. It always works on your skips when I dress sexy and all. So I figured it would work on Grandma. I mean, come on, you know Grandma. Masses of hot naked male flesh should have had her in a drooling, blubbering puddle on the floor. I just can't figure out where it went wrong. This plan should have worked. Couldn't fail. Ya know what? I think it's their fault. They need lessons on distraction techniques. When they are all back to, well, to normal, I'm going to give them a class. So this won't happen again." Was that a groan?

"Babe, what happened to my men?" Oh that, yeah I guess he needs to know that.

"Well, see, it's like this, ummm well, where should I start?" I'm almost positive that he did not roll his eyes again.

"Who went in first, Babe?" Start at the beginning. Logical. I looked over to where Tank was laying, twitching and drooling.

"Tank went in first. Ya know because he was the original backup. I'm pretty sure he got hit with a tazer gun. I wonder where Grandma got one of those from? Maybe she can get me one."

"Babe, focus." Oh yeah, focus.

"Well as you can see, Tank still hasn't come around. She must have hit him with a lot of juice, cause it would take a lot to bring him down."

"Ok, Babe, that's good. Who went next?" I looked over at the Bobsie triplets. Ram was holding an ice pack to his head. Brett was holding one on his Mr. Winky. And Zero's ice pack was on his knee.

"Ram and Brett and Zero went next. Brett still hasn't spoken, and Ram isn't very coherent. The only thing we can get out of Zero is Baseball bat. Maybe Grandma has a future in the major leagues. Ya think?" Ranger just raised his eyebrow again. Ok, well next.

"Umm, Zip and Cal went next. They aren't here on account of they've already been transported to the hospital. From what we can gather, Zip went in first where Grandma was waiting with a pair of FMB's on. They had a five inch heel. I still wonder how she was able to stand in them, let alone kick Zip in his happy place. Poor, poor Zip will never be able to have children."

"That's ok Babe, he already has ten of them. His wife's been after him to get a vasectomy anyway."

"Oh, well then. Wait! His wife's been pregnant ten times? Boy, if I was her I would have cut it off by now." Ouch.

"No, Babe, four times. One set of twins, one triplets, one quadruplets, and then one by itself." Oh ok, that was a little better, but still sheesh. Talk about your super sperm. "Babe, Cal?"

"Oh yeah. Well I guess the trauma was just too much for Cal. It's kinda a blur really. But there was a blood curdling scream, which I assume was Zip, poor guy. And Woody and Binkie took off for the house. About the time Woody reached the door Cal came stumbling out it. He knocked into Woody then just passed out or something. BAM!! Down they go. Cal hit his head pretty hard. We think he has a concussion. Woody was squished flat. But he only broke a couple of ribs, he should be fine." I pointed to where Woody was laid out with his ribs wrapped.

"And Binkie, Babe? What happened to him? I don't see him here either." I so didn't want to tell anymore. I need a drink. And maybe a donut. Or dozen.


	9. Chapter 9

Chap 7

Caught! Chapter 8: Roll call take two

By Annie

"Binkie, Babe? Where's Binkie?" Oh man, poor Binkie.

"Well you see, Binkie is in surgery. Hopefully they'll be able to re-attach his pinkie toe. We put it on ice as soon as we could. It's lucky really, you'd think the bullet would have totally decimated his toe. But some how the toe survived. Just amputated." And Binkie is my favorite too. Well except Ram. And Tank. And Lester. And… well you get the idea.

"Who's next, Babe?" Oh next. Ummm… oh yeah.

"Bobby and Hal were next. Honestly, I don't think Hal is ever going to be able to live this one down. I mean it was bad enough when I did it to him, but Grandma? And then to have it affect Bobby too. So not good." I looked at Hal sitting over in the corner. He was in a catatonic state still. I think it was the shock.

"Babe, what happened?" Huh? Oh, to Hal. I looked at Bobby, he seemed to be doing ok. He was moving around the room, adjusting ice packs and checking on the rest of the guys. I still lowered my voice to a whisper, just in case.

"Well, Grandma took Hal's stun gun. And then she stunned him. And Bobby was trying to get it away from her and she stunned him too. It was quite traumatic for Hal I'm sure." And Bobby too probably. At least he woke up to help with the guys.

"So, what happened to Caesar? Why is he sitting there waving his hand in front of his face?" I watched Caesar for a moment. It looked like he was trying to guess how many fingers he was holding up.

"Well, he's probably trying to see his hand."

"Babe." Boy he sure does like to say that word.

"Grandma had the silly string, you see. And umm, Caesar and Junior went in after Bobby and Hal. And Caesar was first and he got a face full of silly string. Bobby says that his eye sight should come back eventually."

"You said Junior, Babe. I don't see him here."

"Well, that would be because he isn't here. Probably by now they have his legs in traction. So, you see, he couldn't be here."

"Traction, Babe?" Oh, guess I better explain huh?

"It's like this. Caesar was first. Junior saw him get hit with the silly string, and I guess he decided that retreat was the way to go. Smart move if you ask me. That silly string can be lethal."

"Babe." Yeah, yeah, why was Junior in traction? Gotcha.

"Well, during Junior's brave attempt at retreat, well basically he ran full on out of the house and tripped over Cal and Woody on the porch. He kinda did this combo swan dive, flip, trip, dip thingy. And the landing was phenomenal. Really great landing. Except for his legs. Yeah, they ummm, kinda broke. In lots of different places. That had to kinda hurt." I paused to take a deep breath. Whoosh, that was a lot to say. Now, how to break the news to him about Lester? This could be tricky.

"Did you know Lester had his nipple pierced? It looked really sexy. All yummy and shit. I think maybe you should get your nipple pierced. That way I can play with it. A nipple piercing would be fun to play with, don't you think? And Les said that it didn't hurt when he got it done. It was the… never mind." Oops. Maybe he won't notice the past tense. And the never mind.

"Babe." My ESP chose to interpret this particular Babe as "I will go out and get that done ASAP." Yeah. "What do you mean had? And what were you going to say there at the end?" Oh boy.

"Well you see. You know how when you guys were teaching me self defense and all, how you said to not wear anything loose? Even my hair, cause the skip could grab onto anything loose and use it to grab me. I think Lester forgot that lesson. Maybe he needs to retake the class. Of course, that's after he heals." Yeah, and it might take him a while to heal, too.

"What do you mean heal, Babe?" Rats, I just know if I tell him this he's gonna change his mind on the piercing.

"Ummm, well ya know he didn't have his shirt on, on account of the Plan and all. And that's how I noticed his piercing. He said he had two more, but I couldn't see them. I wonder where there were? He said that he would show them to me sometime, but doing that would probably get them cut out with a rusty knife. Can't imagine why, or who would do that? Oh well. I don't think Les is going to be up to showing any piercings for a while." Ranger raised his eyebrow at me. The silent message was clear. Babe, talk. Jeez, what do you think I was doing? I ESP'd back to him.

"Anyways, I wasn't the only one to notice his nipple piercing." Ranger groaned. I swear he did! I heard it! "Grandma noticed it too. Bye bye piercing. And nipple. We put it on ice, but I don't think they can re-attach a nipple. It's a wait and see thing now."

"Babe." Yup, ESP picked that one up too. Translation: You can forget about that piercing now. Ouch. Yeah I agree. But hey, a girl had to try, right?

"And then the rest of them…"

"The rest of them?"

"Yeah, the rest of them." Whew, almost done Steph. You can do this. "You see when Les lost his… nipple, he kinda, sorta, well, screamed like a little girl. I mean, I can't blame him. I would have too. It had to have hurt like a bitch, ya know? Anyways, the rest of the guys thought that Grandma had a hostage in there. I mean who woulda thunk that Les could reach such a high pitch? So, they all decided that the right thing to do would be to save the hostage. They had also witnessed what had happened to the rest of the Merry Men. I think that maybe they thought there was safety in numbers." I shake my head at this. "Poor, poor fools."

"Vince decided to lead the pack, so to speak. He was the first through the door on the way in. And the first through the door on the way out. And he just kept running. And screaming. He ran right into the road. Poor Vince is road kill." Ranger's head dropped, and he shakes it back and forth. I don't think he believes me.

"The rest of the guys, that went in with him. Well, they are kinda… indisposed." I pointed to the group of un-named Merry Men sitting in the corner. They haven't moved or spoken since we got them out of the house. They weren't even blinking. "I think maybe their retina's are burned out. Possibly, a very good possibility. I mean, if you saw Grandma naked yours would be too. We are just lucky that they haven't scratched their eyeballs out yet."


	10. Chapter 10

Caught

Caught! Chapter 9: Ranger and Hercules save the day.

By Annie

I watch Ranger closely for any reaction. Any little reaction will do. I need to know if I should pack for Siberia or something. It's cold there, I might need extra clothes.

"Babe, your granny is going down. And you. You are going to owe me. Big time owe me. Better start shopping for condoms. And Babe, buy in bulk too, cause you are going to need all of them. And probably take care of your birth control pills, too, cause we'll need that if we run out of the condoms." Oh boy.

"Oh, and some cuffs. And maybe a paddle or two." Ranger eyes glazed over and was that…? Why yes it is, drool. Hehe, guess Batman isn't immune to the lust coma after all. Wow, I don't know whether to be scared or excited. Distraction.

"So Ranger, how are you gonna get Grandma?" I really want to know. I mean, she's already decimated all of the Merry Men. But of course, this is Ranger. He's the Wizard, if any body can do it, he can.

"Like this Babe." Ranger pulls out his cell phone and punches in a number. Who is he calling? SWAT? National Guard? The whole Army? Cause probably, he's gonna need them. "Hello Mrs. Mazur." Oh, he called Grandma. I move closer so that I can hear both sides of the conversation.

"Hello. Who is this?"

"This is Ranger, Ma'am."

"Oh, the bounty hunter with the excellent package. I've been expecting you to call or show up." Uh-oh, I think Grandma still has something up her sleeve.

"I'm sure you have Mrs. Mazur. You know that we still need to take you in." Yikes.

"Call me Edna. I'm willing to negotiate." Those words never mean anything good when Grandma says them. I try to signal to Ranger to tread carefully here, but I don't think he's got his ESP turned on at the moment.

"What do you want?" I shake my head. I think Ranger needs to take a seminar on negotiating tactics. Never ask Grandma what she wants, always offer what you are willing to give first. I mean, come on, this is Grandma we are talking about here.

"Well I'm glad you asked that." Snort, I bet she is. "I want to get a good look at Little Princess." Oh shit.

"Umm, what's Little Princess?" I shake my head again. Poor clueless man. He really needs that seminar.

"Little Princess is that excellent package of course." I never knew Ranger could get that pale. Woah, I think he's gonna pass out. I take the phone from him.

"Grandma, Ranger will have to call you back. We will continue negotiations in a minute." Click. I hang up before she can reply. Yikes, Grandma is one scary lady.

"Ranger? Are you still with me here?" No answer. I smack his cheeks a couple of times and his eyes come back into focus. I think he was having a waking nightmare there for a minute.

"Babe. She named him Little Princess." I try not to laugh, really I do. But really? Little Princess? Giggle snort.

"That's ok Ranger, we can make it part of our negotiation that she can't call him that anymore. We'll get him a new name. A really great name."

"Babe, you can't name my _penis_ Little Princess. He will get a complex." I don't know which is worse, the way he whispered _penis_ or the complex bit. He's making it really hard to keep a straight face here.

"That's ok Ranger, we'll give your _penis_ a really cool name. How about Alvin?" Ranger doesn't even bother to say Babe to this one. Ok then. "What about Sylvester? That's a manly name?" Ranger just shakes his head at me. He can be such a baby sometimes. "Oh I've got it!! Oh this is excellent, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie!!" Am I a genius or what? Hehe.

"Babe? I know he's big, but does he really need three names?" Men.

"No, silly. Your _penis_ is Big Bird, and the _other things_, the dangly ones, they are Bert and Ernie. A matching pair."

"Babe, you are not naming my bits after a giant yellow bird and a couple of gay muppets."

"Huh, well fine then, you name him." See if he can do any better.

"How about Hammer, or Cyclops, or Hercules. Yeah, Hercules is good. We'll go with that. See he feels better already." I look down. Yup, sure enough Hercules is starting to perk up already.

"But will he still be that happy after Grandma gets a look see?" Hercules doesn't look so perky at this.

"Babe, Hercules is gonna need lots of therapy when this is over. Lots of therapy." Hmmm, this could be interesting.

"Are we talking preppy bubbly cheerleader therapy or innocent Catholic school girl therapy. I'm willing to negotiate. Anything to help Hercules." Ranger leans over and whispers something in my ear. OH BOY. I think I just had an orgasm.

"Better call Grandma back so we can get on to the therapy part." Oh yeaaaaahhhhh.


	11. Chapter 11

Caught

Caught! Chapter 10: Granny's caught!

By Annie

I hand Ranger back his cell phone. "Now remember Ranger, tell her what you are willing to offer, don't ask what she wants. And don't forget to add in the Hercules bit." Ranger takes a deep breath to center him self before dialing the phone.

"Edna, this is Ranger again. First of all, I want it stated that you can not call him Little Princess anymore. From here on out he shall be known as Hercules."

"Hercules huh? That sounds promising. So when am I going to get to see Hercules?"

"Hercules will come to you once we get all the ground rules set." Ground rules are good, maybe they will keep Grandma in line. Doubt it, but one can hope can't they.

"Ten minutes viewing and one touch." Ouch, Grandma's going for gold here.

"Two minutes and no touching or Hercules goes into hiding and you get stunned." OooO, Ranger is learning. Good boy.

"Five minutes." Grandma is pushing her luck.

"Three, and not a second more. Also, there will be backup there. Someone to make sure that you don't renege on our deal." Uh-oh, I got a funny feeling that I'm going to be the backup.

"I'm surprised that you have anyone left to back you up. I thought I took them all out earlier." Well, isn't that a fine how do you do? My own Grandma forgot about me.

"I've got someone. So, do we have a deal? Three minutes, no touching, only looking, with a witness in the room." Good job Ranger, now that's how you negotiate.

"Yes, we have a deal. When are we doing this?" Good question, I want to get this over with. And I'm sure Hercules does too.

"Right now. I'll be there in 7 and a half minutes. Be waiting with no weapons. At all." Good touch. Don't know if there is anything left for her to use as a weapon, but knowing Grandma she has a bazooka up her dress or something. Ranger hangs up the phone and we head out to Hercules' doom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I can honestly say that I never thought I would be in this position. I am standing behind Ranger, stun gun charged and in hand, ready to do damage should the need arise.

My Grandma is on her knees in front of him, with his pants open. Guess he should have put in the negotiations about how close a look she was allowed.

Ranger is trying his hardest to stay in his zone. I can tell that he is trying to save his sanity by keeping his mind separate from reality. Probably that is a good trait to have if you are ever being tortured. And if this doesn't count for torture I don't know what does.

I think Ranger's plan is going great. At least it is until Grandma speaks. "Wow, that sure is a humdinger of a pecker there. Although he is a little crooked there at the end. I don't think I've ever seen one this big. How does he measure? I need to get me a ruler, hold on one sec." Ranger visibly blanches and I know I need to save the situation or Hercules isn't the only one that will need therapy.

"Grandma, sorry, but time's up. Hercules needs to rest now. I'll measure him later and let you know, ok?" I see Ranger relax slightly as he tucks Hercules into sleep. For now.

"Well, ok then. Guess it's time huh? Ya know this was all worth it. And my plan went off without a hitch. Am I good or what?" Plan? Oh no, please don't tell me…

"Plan? You mean you planned this whole thing?" Ranger voices my thoughts.

"Well, not the whole getting arrested thing, but I decided since that happened better make it worth while. So I went FTA, hoping Vinnie would give you my file. But the little weasel gave it to Steph instead, so I had to get a backup plan. That worked too, and I still got to see Little… I mean Hercules." Grandma holds her hands out in front of her. "Now you cuff me." She has a big innocent smile on her face. I think I need to take some lessons from Grandma, obviously she knows what she is doing.

Ranger slaps the cuffs on and I swear Grandma looks like she is in Heaven. Yup, crazy old bat sure does know what she is doing.


	12. Chapter 12

Caught

Caught! Epilogue: Where are they now?

By Annie

Tank managed an almost full recovery from THE ACCIDENT, the only lingering side effect being a slight twitch in the whole left side of his body anytime somebody says 'zzztttttt'.

Tank and Lula went on to get married. They live in a house miles from civilization, without electricity. Tank never forgot her birthday again, and Lula gave up donuts.

Ram is doing well these days, except he still runs around picking up phones and asking 'who's there?'.

Brett is still seeing his therapist. Unfortunately Grandma smashed Mr. Winky flat. He still hasn't made a come back. It's not for lack of trying on Brett's part though. Rumor has it that he's been a regular at Domino's since THE ACCIDENT.

Zero spent years in physical therapy recovering from his injury. Even longer with his psychologist. Eventually the doctor suggested to him that he join the Major Leagues to get over his phobia. Still hasn't played in a game, but the sight of baseball bats no longer send him into panic attacks.

Zip's surgery was a complete success. He went on to have three more kids before he finally gave into his wife's threats... er... demands... er... request for him to get a vasectomy. He's been working a LOT of overtime to pay for colleges.

Cal finally woke up with no lasting trauma from THE ACCIDENT. He now wears full football padding and helmet any time he has to go out in the field with Steph though.

Woody ended his contract and moved to Florida where he now drives an ice cream truck. He chose this business as a way to avoid bodily contact with anybody. He still has nightmares of becoming a pancake. He's never been able to eat pancakes again.

Binkie resigned with RangeMan and is now researching materials to make bullet proof boots. Luckily his toe was able to be reattached; however due to the special shoes required he is no longer able to work in the field.

Hal has a lasting phobia of stun guns now. He has been ordered by his doctor to never go near one again, ever. Unfortunately, about 5 months later, a skip pulled one on him. He's very happy in the mental home now. They have Jell-O every Tuesday.

Bobby made a full recovery. Well, except one small thing. Anytime he sees grey hair now, he runs screaming in the opposite direction. Two weeks ago he noticed a grey hair when looking in the mirror. He still hasn't woken up. But the door to the bathroom, with the Bobby sized hole in it, was successfully replaced. Hal, his new roommate, is very happy now. He gets TWO servings of Jell-O on Tuesdays.

Caesar's eyesight never fully returned. He is now a kindergarten teacher at a school for the blind during the day. At night he trains seeing eye dogs. With Joyce.

After years of therapy Junior managed to recover full use of his legs. He is now competing in the Olympics. Synchronized swimming event. His swan dive is a shoe in for the gold.

They were never able to reattach Lester's nipple. He mourned for the loss. Eventually he was able to move on, though he still freezes up when he see's shiny things. A few years after THE ACCIDENT he met a nice woman. She had three nipples. They've been happy ever since.

On the anniversary of THE ACCIDENT every year, RangeMan flies their flag at half staff and takes the day off in memory of their road kill friend Vince. Vince lived a happy life, full of joy, and... stuff. He is remembered fondly by all to this day. An anonymous donation is made to the Road Kill foundation every year signed only 'In honor of Vince'.

Ranger and Babe lived happily ever after, complete with the white picket fence and 2.5 hamsters. Hercules required LOTS of therapy but made a full recovery. Many times over. Ranger still doesn't do relationships, even though they have been living together and exclusive since THE ACCIDENT.

Vinnie contracted the bird flu from one of his paramours. His funeral was very… nice. With the largest flock of water fowl ever seen in attendance at a funeral. He will be missed… by the birds at least.

Grandma Mazur never even spent a night in jail. An hour after she was turned in, some incriminating pictures of Officer Picky surfaced. All charges were immediately dropped. Grandma took over running Plum Bail Bonds after Vinnie's death. She put her planning tactics to good use, and now runs the most successful BEA business in all of New Jersey.

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER…. Mostly.


End file.
